I don't fly a lot compared to most people, but my job does have me on a plane usually three or four times a year. On most of those trips, I entertain myself by mocking the rules and announcements the flight attendants go over (and over and over) in my own snarky mind. I usually chuckle to myself (I so get me), then move on because, as I am usually traveling for work, writing up my inner heckling usually takes a backseat to whatever it is I am on my way to do. But...seeing as how I am sitting in this seat on my way to Comic Con--where my goofing off will only be interrupted when I discover new and better ways to goof off--maybe we should give this a shot.
"We have a very full flight today!"
Really? What exactly is a *very* full flight? And did you know this would be a problem when we all initially bought our tickets? If you are trying to say that the flight is over capacity in some way, then why did you sell so many seats? I don't want to tell you guys how to run your airline, but it seems to me you should determine just how many passengers a plane can handle, and then only sell that number of tickets. When those tickets are all sold, you can declare the flight "full" (and not "very full").
"So we are going to have to ask some of you to check your carry on bags."
|It'll fit, don't worry!|
Um...okay, I don't want to be a pain in the butt here, but do you see that giant bag that guy is rolling down the aisle? Yeah, the one with wheels and an extendable handle because actually "carrying" it through an airport would cause severe back injury? Yeah, that's what the rest of us call a suitcase. So if there is limited room in the overhead bins (because for some reason our flight is "very" full), maybe ask all those guys to check their suitcases. That way I can have the small spot in the overhead bin that I payed for, and won't have to rest my backpack (you know, that small green bag I actually carried on to the plane?) on my feet the entire flight.
"Please step quickly into your row, as our flight is very full today and we would like to make this an on-time departure."
Ok, again, I hate to keep pointing things like this out, but if there are so many people taking this flight, that it has now become a problem for you to get them on board, then why did you sell so many tickets? Ok, you know what, forget that line of questioning. Your head is still probably spinning from the whole "very full" discussion.
How about this: all of us have been here, waiting by the gate, for two solid hours. Moreover, so has the plane. I've been watching it the whole time! It's just been sitting here, empty. Probably worried that you are going to fill it with so many people that it will feel very full for its entire ride.
How about, if you are really worried about time, you start letting us on the plane fifteen minutes earlier? At the very least, stop yelling at me like I work here. I am not some lazy employee who is moving too slow for your liking. I am a customer. Someone who laid out over three hundred bucks to ride your beautiful bus with wings!
Actually, speaking of boarding the plane...
"Boarding group 7, you are now free to board."
You know what, this one actually makes sense. I like where your head is at. Load the plane from the back first. Start with the window seats, then the middles, then the aisles. This works out great. Now we aren't all tripping over each other trying to get to our seats.
So, I don't even mind waiting to be one of the last few groups on. After all, I have a window seat in one of the frontmost rows. I'll just wait my turn, then find my row empty...huh. Um. Yeah, there are already two people in my row. The aisle and middle seat are somehow already filled, and now I have to hold up the entire line while these two annoyed businessmen have to pause their important business calls on their super important blackberries and get up so I can get to my seat. How did that happen, exactly?
Oh...you sell an option for a hundred bucks where people--like these two surly businessmen--can bypass your whole load-the-plane-from-the-back-one-section-at-a-time plan? So now I am stuck in the aisle, not stepping quickly into my row. And, hey the overhead compartments near my row are filled with giant suitcases, leaving no room for my bag. Again, the bag I am actually carrying.
Ok, fine, whatever. I am at my seat now. This whole crazy boarding the plane ordeal is over. Let me just fire up my nook and read for a while. That will relax me and help me forget about the fact that I am going to spend the next six hours in a tiny pressurized metal tube, seven miles off the ground, riding a cushion of relatively low pressure air at half the speed of sound.
"At this time, please turn off all electronic devices!"
Oh come on! Mythbusters did an entire episode on this! Fine, fine, maybe you missed that one. But let me just help you out here. I worked as an electrical engineer for over a decade. For over a year of that time, my main task was shooting electromagnetic radiation (that's what you are scared is coming out of my electronic device, by the way...I am guessing you didn't even know that) at small handheld electronic test equipment and making sure it didn't break.
Seriously. I spent weeks on end, shooting EM at every reasonable frequency at at power levels orders of magnitude beyond anything my iPhone can produce. If the unit glitched, we went back to the drawing board to figure out why. We only released the products after I had proven to the top brass that nothing I could do could break it.
So really, if we had to go through all that for a $500 thickness meter, can you imagine what the instrumentation of this plane had to go through? Can you see how ridiculous me shutting off my phone sounds--you stopped listening, didn't you? Was it when I said orders of magnitude?
Ok, fine. Don't take my word for it. Who am I? Apparently someone who you think works for you, it would seem. All right, how about if we ran an experiment. Let's say we let thousands of flights go on a little trip, with over a hundred people on each plane. And let's just say half of those people leave their cell phones on for the entire flight. Just sitting there, emitting scary, evil EM radiation all over the darn place. We'll then just track those flights, and see if the pilots notice anything weird with their instruments. If we see one glitch, I'll admit you might have something.
We'll just call the experiment a normal day at every airport in the country for the last decade.
And no, for the third time I don't want a delicious snack box for $14!